Since the HSC finished I have had a lot of time to spend in my own thoughts, too much time in fact. And all this time has led me to come to the conclusion that I have absolutely no idea what the hell I'm doing. I have no idea why I want to do medicine, I mean sure there is the interest factor, the desire - no - the need for a challenging career, and the desire to do some good in my life. Yes this explains why, but it doesn't really explain why I want to do medicine. That sounds crazy I know, but to me it makes sense.
What on Earth is driving me to do medicine? The above reasons are all good but there are a billion other careers which would satisfy those requirements. All this free time has led me to seriously think about why I want to do medicine. And I think I've put it down to the fact that I need to do it for myself more than anyone. I'm not talking about the challenging career aspect here which I want/need. I've put it down to the fact that I need to prove to myself I can actually do something so challenging to feel a sense of worth. Put it this way, apart from doing well in school I don't really have anything to be happy about in my life. Everything I do I do for myself. I can count the amount of times I've seen friends outside of school this past year on my fingers. I don't know why it is but people don't like me when they know me for a long time, I've lost count of the amount of times I've met someone new, started to be really good friends and then over a matter of weeks I get completely phased out of their life, maybe to only get a pity text 6 months later along the lines of "omg haven't talked to you in ages". Maybe thats what happens when you completely ignore me for 6 weeks. No shit.
This puzzles me. For the life of me I cannot work out why, I consider myself a socially balanced person and don't see how I manage to scare people off. It has gotten so bad that I'm scared to meet new people because I know it's just going to end in rejection. Don't even get me started on the fact that I'm 18 and never had a proper relationship...
Well anyway this rambling is going somewhere. I think that this is the reason I want to do medicine. This constant alienation (Argh, flashbacks to HSC Belonging....) is driving me. I think that it is what is pushing me into medicine, to prove something to myself. I think I need to prove that I can do something which I will be valued for, to make up for how little I am valued by my friends. Something that will take up my whole life because I have nothing else to spend it doing. No one is pushing me to do medicine, not my friends, or my parents.
Now clearly I am not going to mention this in any interviews, because I probably won't get a place because they will think I am insane.
This leads me to think to myself, if I can't even manage to have decent friends then how in the heck am I going to cope in medicine. Clearly I am not the most socially adept person around. I think that not having a deep relationship with patients on a friendship level will make up for it, no one will get close enough for me to magically scare them off. I'm good at communicating with strangers, I even manage to get compliments from customers at work because of my 'great interpersonal skills'. So this is where the doubt comes from, not to mention the fact that I'm terrified of the workload as I feel I am a terrible studier, I have never felt ready for an exam the entire HSC but magically it has all worked out and I have ended up with better results than people I know who are relentless studiers and also who want to study medicine.. I'm also terrified of the pressure not to make mistakes.
Well that's a deep insight to the mind of me at the moment. Feel free to suggest good psychiatrists if you wish :P
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